First of all, hi Boo! I’m a big fan of yours, especially your Dear Boo book. I find it as a great help to others, as you help people that seek for your wise advice. I’m afraid that this is going to be a super long rant, I hope you can actually tolerate me. 😢😢— Eliza
I hate what I’m feeling right now. I’m crying as I am writing this. I am unhappy. I don’t feel good about myself. I tried being having some enthusiasm when talking with others, but deep down, I know that I’d cry myself to sleep at night. Most of my friends would depict me as a cheerful and smiley person. I smile a lot, God I do.
Fear. Everyone feared something. And I feared being alone, except the fact that I am always alone. My boarding school and my home are two different places. Home should’ve been a paradise, and school should’ve been a dratted hell. But in my world, it’s reversed.
At home, I was always left alone. At the tender age of 9, after our family stopped hiring nannies for me, I was left to fend for myself. My siblings were already in college, living outside the state and working. My parents were working, till 5-7 pm. It was fine before I entered boarding school. I had my childhood friends to accompany my younger days, playing games outside the lonely building I called home. But after primary school, I was shipped off to the boarding school. Life there was hectic and awesome as heck. I have lots of great friends, lots of activities and most importantly, I was not alone, at all. In fact, it was the best five years of my life.
After graduating high school, I was back at the lonely building. Now that I’m older, my childhood friends are also gone, some moved away and some found new friends.
Growing older, meant that you’re capable to overthink things. And I tend to overthink things. Some days, I would treat myself a day out with my former boarding school friends by watching movies together and even eating out together, celebrating birthdays. But as I arrived home, alone, with keys dangling on my fingertip were the only noise there (except for my footsteps and sighs). I would cry and cry and cry.
I don’t understand it myself. I just wanted to be happy. I recently had suicidal thoughts and that really urged me to write to you, Boo. Some might think this is unimportant, that I am being ridiculous or overreacting, but it is really important to me. I cried a lot after thinking that I’d take my own life, I was unable to do so. But I was afraid of myself, capable to be consumed with such thoughts.
I have a lot of things to tell you, but I think this is already sufficient. Indeed some are better kept a secret.
Thank you so much, boo. And I wish that everyone would find their own happiness, without any doubt.
Thank you for writing to me about everything you’re going through. I know opening up to others isn’t easy. I’m very thankful you enjoy Dear Boo, this journal is very close to my heart. I do apologize for your letter being late, I hope you’re not upset with the time it took to answer you.
Emotions are something that can be really deep sometimes, we tend to feel too much at times. People sometimes don’t realize this, but those who smile and appear happy are sometimes actually putting on a front. Some may be afraid to show that they’re not okay and fear what others may think of them.
What makes you unhappy the most? Try to work on that issue first until it’s no longer an issue and then work on one thing at a time. Remember that you are in control!
Many people fear being alone, I’m one of them. My goodness, at nine years old you were a baby! I couldn’t imagine leaving my children near that age alone, so many fears pop into my mind.
Why did your parents send you to boarding school? I don’t mean to sound mean, but it seems like your parents don’t accept the responsibility of being parents. First, it was a nanny taking care of you, then you were alone, and finally, boarding school. It seems it was always someone else taking care of you except for themselves.
When people become a parent they’re supposed to put everything to the side and focus on their children first and foremost. I understand why you feel the way you do. You seem to want acceptance and love from your parents. Right now, I don’t think you feel that.
I think meeting new people, getting out more, and not keeping to yourself in the house will help. That is your house, not your home. A home is where your heart is happy, where you laugh, love, and live freely. A home can also be a person.
This is important– to you and me. You’re not overreacting or being ridiculous. Try to keep a journal of how you feel, writing down your emotions helps from being stuck in your own mind.
I do think to see a therapist, calling the suicide hotline, and texting the crisis text line, will be beneficial. I will include worldwide numbers below, if your area isn’t listed let me know I’ll help you find a number so you can reach out to someone when you truly need it.
Suicidal thoughts are the devil’s playground. When these thoughts hit you find something to take your mind off of it. Trying to read, write, draw, color, dance or anything you enjoy can help ease your mind from self-harming. Do anything to keep safe! When they become extreme remember that I’m just a message away. You’re not alone, my friend. I’m always near, just not physically. I want to tell you that you’re brave for speaking up about this. I’m very proud of you. Staying safe is most important. Take things at your own pace when seeking help, you don’t want to overwhelm yourself.